


When All Those Shadows Almost Killed Your Light

by AmberDread



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Romance, Awkwardness, Darkness to Light, F/M, Fluff, Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, Light At the End Of the Tunnel, Loneliness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rey of light, crylo, this one is for you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-24 15:29:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16642883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberDread/pseuds/AmberDread
Summary: It's getting cold, and homeless Ben Solo is sleeping rough when he meets Rey.It will be a chance encounter that will change his life, and steal his heart.Modern AUSorry I am so terrible at summaries.





	1. Chapter 1

 

The torrential rain of earlier in the day had stopped when Rey started on her way home after a shift at Tractor Bean. The temperature had plummeted and her breath clouded around her as she walked briskly through town. Well, as briskly as she could; it was late night shopping. Halloween had just finished so every shop was now touting Christmas! Christmas NOW! 

Rey liked Christmas, but wished it wasn’t thrust in your face so much in the run up. She hadn’t always like Christmas, it had only be a few years since Finn finally convinced her to join he and Poe in their celebrations. Finn was an orphan like her and Poe had lost his parents a few years ago. Now they always spent Christmas together, with stockings, a miniature Christmas tree and lots of food and cheap wine. They would go for a walk in the afternoon and watch the Doctor Who special in the evening. Die Hard had to watched at some point, and sometimes Home Alone. Poe would make them watch The Box of Delights as well, usually on Christmas eve, and she and Finn would pretend to not want to, secretly they loved it too, but it was always funny making Poe plead for it.

Rey turned off the high street, which was heaving with slow walking people, and escaped down a side road.

As she walked she noticed the people in front of her crossing the road, as if to avoid something.

Once her view was clear, she could see there was a homeless man, sitting in a recessed doorway of a closed shop. The man was huge, a hulking shape in a sleeping bag, with a sweet faced staffie cuddled up against him.

Rey frowned at the people who had crossed the road and made a point of going over to him. Up close the man had long black hair and a beard, and dark, sad eyes with a large scar bisecting his right cheek. He was intimidating but Rey made a point of smiling as she greeted him.

“Hi, can I get you a hot drink and something to eat?” 

The man looked surprised and a little wary, it made her sad. He seemed to check behind her, as if expecting that her offer was a trap somehow.

Rey bent down and held out her hand to the staffie, who curiously sniffed it before rubbing his head against her fingers, tail wagging. That appeared to be what the man was waiting for.

“Thank you, I’d appreciate it.” His voice was deep and a little rough as if he didn’t use it often.

Rey smiled, then glanced down the street, there were quite a few choices, “Anything particular?”

“Tortilla do good burritos,” he sounded hesitant.

Rey wondered if his size and dark countenance often put people off from helping him. People were stupid.

“Cool, would you like a coffee or something?”

“Coffee would be great.” Wow, his voice really was deep.

Rey gave him another smile and stood, “Back in a bit.”

She noticed he didn’t watch her walk away, as if he assumed she wouldn’t be back. There were many homeless people around town, and as the recession continued, more and more people found themselves out on the streets and it broke her heart, especially at this time of year.

She may struggle for money, but she managed. She was lucky.

Before she went into Tortilla, she nipped into a kebab house and got a cheap burger for the staffie as she didn’t think a burrito would be so good for him. 

The man hadn’t specified which meat he’d like in his burrito so she got him beef along with his coffee and a bottle of water.

The smells in the fast food joint made her stomach growl and Rey got herself a burrito too, then accidently bought two chocolate muffins as well. Because chocolate.

The man really did look surprised when she came back. The tentative smile he offered her made her heart warm in her chest.

“I hope you don’t mind but I got your dog a burger as it seemed rude not to get something for him too,” she handed him the bag that held his food and water, then his coffee.

“Um, so I got myself a burrito as they looked so good, would you mind if I ate with you? No pressure though, I know some people like to eat alone.”

For a moment, he froze, eyes lowered to the floor, then he nodded and shuffled over, making room for her on the wooden pallet he was sitting on to avoid the cold stone slabs of the street.

Rey sat down, careful not to touch him in case it freaked him out - he did seem really fragile.

The staffie settled down between them, grinning up at his master as the man fed him the burger, carefully tearing off chunks and blowing on them a little first. It was sweet he fed the dogbefore himself, ignoring his own needs as he poured some of the bottled water into a small bowl Rey hadn’t noticed, so the dog could drink.

Rey started on her burrito, chewing as quietly as she could, feeling a little shy herself. They ate in an almost companionable silence. Rey was interested to see that now people didn’t cross the road to pass them by.

As they ate, she was aware of the man’s body language slowly relaxing. As she finished her burrito and wiped her hands on a napkin, she thought she’d try talking.

“I’m Rey by the way.”

He paused eating for a moment, darting his eyes to hers and then away again, “I’m Ben.”

“Nice to meet you, Ben. What’s this guys name?” she asked as she rubbed the staffies head.

The man’s face softened a little, “That’s Tie.”

Rey frowned down at the dog, noticing he had quite a lot of scars, “He’s been in the wars, hasn’t he?”

“We both have…” Ben trailed off as if surprised by what he’d said, then shrugged a little and carried on, “I found him a few years ago, I think he’d been used as a fighter. He was beat up pretty bad but made a good recovery.”  

Rey’s heart melted, “That’s amazing… I can’t believe the police still haven’t put a stop to dog fighting, it’s absolutely barbaric.” Ben nodded as he sipped at his coffee and Rey remembered the muffins, “Would you like one?” she asked as she held one out.

His eyes crinkled at the corners a little as he accepted it with a soft, “Thanks.”

“So, and please feel free not to answer, I don’t want to pry, but you said you’d been in the wars too?”

There was a paused then, “I was a marine.”

Rey winced internally, so many homeless people were ex military, “Adjusting can be hard,” she answered gently, “Do you have family?”

Ben’s jaw clenched a little and she was worried that she had pushed too far, but the he sighed and leaned back against the wall, Tie snuggling against him. “Yeah, I have family… but I, I haven’t spoken to them in a long time.” He glanced at her then away again, shifting slightly as he pulled a blanket out from behind him and offered it to her, “You look cold.”

Rey took the blanket, it wasn’t too clean, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care, he was opening up to her and something told her he hadn’t talked properly to anyone other than Tie in a long time. Refusing his kindness would be insulting and she didn’t want him to stop talking… and she  _ was _ cold. She tucked it around herself, moving a little closer to him so she could tuck it over Tie too. He smiled at that. It was a nice smile.

“So, again, you don’t have to answer and feel free to tell me to shut up any time, but how come you haven’t seen your family?”

He grimaced and looked away and Rey instantly felt guilty at the loss of his smile. She put out her hand, touching him gently on the shoulder, “I’m sorry, we can talk about something else?”

He seemed to gather his courage and looked back at her, his gaze turned inward as he spoke, “I found it hard adjusting, when I got back home… I went back to live with my Mum and Dad… but I had, or have, I guess I should say, P.T.S.D…” he trailed off and glanced at her nervously, as if he expected her to draw away from him in horror.

Rey just nodded, “If it makes you feel any better, I have P.T.S.D too, I know it’s difficult to live with.”

If anything he looked astonished, “You do?”

Rey gave him a crooked smile, “Yeah. It’s shitty, but it gets better I promise.”

He looked away, “It got so bad, I started lashing out… and then one day I hit my old man. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t stay with them anymore, I couldn’t face hurting them… so, here I am, I guess.”

Rey placed her hand on his shoulder, “I think your parents would want to know how you are, Ben.”

He shook his head, “They’re better off without me, I’m nothing.”

The anguish in his quiet tone made her chest ache, “No one is nothing, Ben. And look at Tie! You saved him, you’ve cared for him, he’s clearly happy to be with you. And that means something. I’ve come across some truly terrible people in my life, and I know you aren’t one, you just need some help and some time.”

He flashed his dark eyes at her, “And how would you know? I could be a monster, you only met me an hour ago.”

“If you were a monster you would have left Tie to die, but you didn’t… and anyway, I have a sixth sense when it comes to scoping people out.”

He tilted his head, “What gave you P.T.S.D?”

Rey shrugged, “Nothing so bad as going to war.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. She hadn’t wanted to make this about her, or compare herself with him, she’d only told him so he felt more comfortable talking to her as she could see trust was a big issue. But if she didn’t talk about it now, he may think she had been lying to him.

Rey sighed, “I was in the foster care system since I was five, some of the ‘ _ families _ ’ I was placed with, were free with their fists but tightfisted with food… There was some other abuse and it took me a long time to deal with it.” 

“What got you through?”

Rey looked up to meet his eyes and gave him a small smile, “Talking about it, I found a good doctor, I met my best friend, I got a job and went to college… it’s still there, I’m not sure it ever goes away completely, but I can deal with it… I could give you the name of my doctor if you like? She’s local.”

“You make it sound so easy,” there was a defeated tone to his voice.

Rey shook her head, “It’s not. It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do, there will be times when you feel you won’t make it through, but keep going. Your first steps will be the hardest, and you may not always see it, but there is light at the end of the tunnel and if you just keep going, you’ll find it.”

She felt a little embarrassed by her speech, worried she had come across as patronising. She rummaged in her bag for some paper and a pen and wrote down the name and address of her doctor’s surgery. “My doctor is called Maz, she can be a little bit weird, but is really nice. When you speak to reception, try and talk to the short girl with dark hair, she’s much more friendly than the other receptionists.”

She looked up to find him watching her, she wasn’t sure what his expression meant, it was a little raw, a little hopeful and something else she couldn’t identify.

As he took the piece of paper she offered him, she was surprised to notice as their fingers brushed, that somehow his hands were warm when hers were freezing.

It started to spit and Rey looked around anxiously, trying to work out if he’d stay dry where he was, “Do you have an umbrella?”

He shook his head and Rey dug hers out of bag, “It isn’t the best, but I have a hood on my coat.”

“You’ve already done enough, I don’t want you to get wet.”

Rey rolled her eyes at him and his lips turned up a little as she opened the umbrella, “I have loads at home, don’t worry. But it’ll only cover one person, and I should go and do some studying anyway.” She pulled off the blanket she had been using, then shuddered at the dip in temperature, before standing. The rain was getting heavier and she was afraid it would be a repeat of this mornings deluge. She shook her head at herself and pulled out twenty pounds, she could make the rest of her money stretch and he needed this so much more than she did. 

“There’s a hostel down by Church street that accepts dogs. I think the weather is going to get much worse.”

He shook his head, keeping his hands on Tie, “It’s okay, we’ll stay dry here now we’ve got the umbrella.”

Rey chewed her lip, she didn’t want to bully him or wound his pride, he had already accepted her help and she knew it was probably more than he had in a long time. It was best not to push too hard. So she put the twenty back in her pocket, even though she knew she’d have trouble sleeping tonight. 

That was her problem, not his.

“Well, it was nice to meet you both,” she smiled, “Thanks for having dinner with me, it was nice to have the company.” She was being honest, whether he believed her or not.

“Thank you, for the food... and for listening,” he sounded hesitant again. Her heart bled for him, but at least he had Tie, he wasn’t completely alone.

The rain really was coming down now, with a deep sense of regret she said goodnight and hurried home. Part of her was berating herself for not just inviting him to sleep on her sofa, though he would have hardly fit. But she knew he wouldn’t have accepted and if by some miracle he had, she wasn’t without her own issues and having a stranger, no matter how nice, in her home would have freaked her out. Her having a panic attack would not have been good for him.

Still, she felt guilty as she entered the warmth of her tiny studio flat and shucked her dripping coat, then boiled the kettle. Knowing Ben and Tie were outside in the cold, upset her greatly.

Wrapping a blanket around her shoulders, she settled under her duvet, and started to do her coursework. She needed the distraction.

 

* * *

 

Ben was relieved and disappointed both, when Rey left to go home. It had been ages since he’d talked to someone like that.

He tucked Tie in next to him, angling the umbrella so it kept the rain off them. The little dog made a happy groan as he pulled his silky ears and thought over the conversation.

Rey had been the first person in years who seemed interested him, despite his past or his problems...

And he wanted to kiss her. He hadn’t wanted to even touch any one in a long time, so the urge had come as a complete surprise. But she wouldn’t want him, not as he was, no matter how kind she was… he snorted softly to himself, as if she could ever want him anyway, and just why was he even thinking about this?

Perhaps it was because he was afraid to think about the larger issues. He always tried to ignore the darkness inside him, pretend it wasn’t there even when it ruled him. He had thought that if he cut himself off from people, there would be no one he could hurt… well, except himself. 

Now he wondered if he had been wrong. He had to admit that since he found Tie, the darkness inside him had lost its dominion somewhat. Rey was right about that at least, he couldn’t look into Tie’s eyes and see a monster reflected back at him. 

He sighed as he cuddled Tie closer, grateful for the warmth the dinner and coffee had afforded him, and she had even bought something for Tie. 

His mind drifted, going back over her words and expressions. There was a feeling of anger that rose up in him again, when he thought about Rey as a child being abused. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt anger over someone elses mistreatment, apart from Tie that is.

It was almost as if he had been sleepwalking, and Rey had awoken him… he rolled his eyes at himself, then looked down at Tie, “You want to meet Chewie?” If Chewie was even still alive... Suddenly, he felt violently homesick. It was like a dam had burst, one that had been withholding his humanity, keeping it back and Rey had dropped a metaphorical bouncing bomb.

Tie whined in concern and he stroked his head with one hand, as he wiped away the strangely warm rain that covered his face with his other hand, ignoring the tremble of his fingers.

As he looked out at the rainy street, his eyes fell on the umbrella. It was a pivotal moment.

He gathered his meagre belongings, stuffing them into a plastic carrier and folded his sleeping bag and blanket, piling them on the pallet out of the rain.

“Come on Tie, we’re taking a walk,” he told the confused looking dog as he grabbed the umbrella.

They walked down the street, avoiding large puddles and other people. Ben made his way to one of the only telephone boxes still around. As he and Tie went inside, trying to ignore the stench of piss, Ben battled that tightness in his throat and the panic than was trying to claw its way out of his chest.

It took him twenty minutes of standing there before he could pick up the receiver and dial the operator.

He could feel his heartbeat throbbing in his ears and neck, he had to shut his eyes against the dizziness as he requested a reverse charge call. And when the call was accepted he almost threw up his burrito.

“Ben?” it was his father’s voice, and shame overwhelmed him. 

He hung up.

He crouched down on the floor of the phone box, no longer noticing the fetid air… he lost some time. It was Tie worriedly licking his face that brought him back to himself. 

God he was weak. He was so fucking pathetic, what made him think he could do this?

_ Your first steps will be the hardest. _

His head ached, but he kissed Tie’s head, stood again, and picked up the phone. 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Rey often went down Ben’s road, (as she now thought of it) but she never saw him again. Part of her hoped that he had found somewhere to go, that he had been able to change his life... another part of her was terrified that she had left him to die in the cold, alone save for Tie.

She had checked the papers and news, but there were no reports of a homeless man dying. 

Every time she saw Maz, she asked if Ben or anyone matching his description had been in, but he never had.

For some reason, he stayed on her mind, she’d often get chatting with the homeless now, usually having dinner with them. If they knew of Ben, they always said he hadn’t been seen for a while, and the fear that he had died would rise up in her again, even though it was foolish.

 

* * *

 

**~ One Year Later ~**

 

Slowly but surely, life got better. Rey had been right when she said it would be hard, and sometimes, in his darker moments, he would think he couldn’t take any more, but then he would remember that she had also said it would get better and he would look at Tie and Chewie and somehow find the strength to carry on.

He was still amazed that his parents had taken him back, it had been tense at first and then his dad had pulled him into a hug, and Ben had broken. He had broken down and sobbed like a child and he wasn’t the only one. He had not expected their forgiveness. All his parents seemed to focus on was that he was home, not that he had left nor the manner of his leaving.

He had broken down again when they had led him to his bedroom, which was exactly as he had  left it, (apart from his Mother having obviously tidied up.) 

That night, as he went to sleep, body blissfully clean, surrounded by warmth and under clean comfortable bedding, both Tie _ and _ Chewie had joined him. Tie had been a little put out but had given in gracefully to the now elderly yet still huge Leonberger. It was a tight fit, even on the double bed, but they managed, and that night, for the first time in a long time, Ben didn’t have nightmares.

Now, one year on, he was going to therapy, had joined a gym and was working part time stacking shelves and volunteered at a homeless charity.

Life could still be hard, he still got nightmares, he still got triggered, but he could see that light now at the end of the tunnel, and it may take him a long time to reach it, but he wasn’t going to stop now.

~

Ben was nervous. Well, he always was when he went into Tractor Bean, but he was even more nervous than usual because today, he was actually going to talk to Rey. Even if he had a heart attack, he was going to do it.

He had even brought Tie along with him for moral support. Tie still went almost everywhere with him, he got anxious if he was apart from Ben too much, though he had grown to be great friends with Chewie.

The first time he had seen Rey, Ben had lasted ten seconds before he practically ran away. With each new visit it became a little easier, though he always waited to get served by someone else. She had smiled at him a few times, and his heart had almost given out, but she didn’t seem to recognise him.

He supposed he looked different and of course she had only seen him in the dark that one night. She had probably forgotten all about him… 

A few days ago, as he perched on the edge of an armchair, sipping his flat white, he had given up and decided he would never be able to talk to her. But then someone had smashed a mug near her and she had flinched. For a second, her face had rippled with fear as her body tensed. It was over in a flash and if he hadn’t known she had P.T.S.D, he wouldn’t have noticed it. But he did.

His therapist was pleased with his progress and the meds she had him on were helping but he still flinched like that, especially when anything made a bang or someone screamed; the firework season had been an horrific ordeal.

He watched Rey laugh with her colleges, noticing none of them had picked up on her fright. Rey, it appeared, was a good actress. It made him wonder how hard she had to work on keeping that welcoming smile on her face.

He’d originally come to Tractor Bean to thank her. It was talking with her that had finally given him the impetus to turn his life around. It had been her umbrella that kept him dry as he walked to the phone box. Her words that helped him break his silence and his self-imposed exile.

Over the last year he had convinced himself that his attraction to her had just been because she had been kind to him, talked to him without looking disgusted, without judgement. When he’d finally tracked her down, he realised he was wrong. So wrong. 

He thought she was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. And that had made getting up the courage to talk to her so much harder. 

Still, he had Tie with him. Luckily Tractor Bean was a dog friendly coffee shop. He could do this.

 

* * *

 

“Your hot guy is back,” Jess told Rey with a wicked grin.

Rey rolled her eyes. Her colleges had become convinced that a new customer fancied her, even though he always got served by someone else. If he liked her then why the hell did he wait till she was serving someone else? It had happened too many times to be coincidence and although he always appeared to study the menu, he always got the same coffee, flat white, no sugar but with caramel syrup. 

The one thing that Jess was right about, was that he was hot, even if it were in an unconventional way. And he never smiled, he always looked serious or a little angry and then of course there was that scar, which always left her wondering how on earth he’d gotten it. But he was always polite, always put something in their tip jar.

Every now and then she’d think he seemed familiar but then dismiss the thought, putting it down to wishful thinking.

Today, he looked nervous and he had a dog with him, an adorable little staffie. Rey frowned as something tickled the back of her mind, then smoothed her expression into a smile as he came up to the counter. Oddly, he made straight for her. She had to stop the eye roll that threatened when she heard Jess stifle an excited giggle. 

“Hi,” his deep voice always sounded so hesitant. The staffie at his feet gave a little bark as he wagged his tail madly at her and stood up, trying to reach the counter, “Tie, get down.”

Rey’s jaw almost unhinged as everything came together in her head, it couldn’t be! “ _ Ben? _ ”

His eyes jerked up to meet hers, oddly he looked a little guilty, “Err, yeah. Hi Rey.”

_ He’s not dead! _

Rey abandoned all decorum and almost ran around the counter. If she’d thought it through, she wouldn’t have done it, but she hadn’t so she just collided with him, wrapping her arms around him in a hug. For a second, he was tense and frozen, but then his arms came around her and it felt right somehow.

It didn’t last long as Tie was now ecstatically jumping up at them. They broke apart, suddenly both awkward and Rey knelt down so she could say a proper hello to Tie, who enthusiastically jumped into her arms and licked her face, his entire body wagging.

“Why don’t you take your break, Rey?” Jess called, Rey just knew Jess was grinning like the cheshire cat. She was going to be bombarded with questions once Ben left the shop.

Rey stood, wiping her face on her apron- Tie had got her good. “Do you have time for a coffee, Ben?”

There was perhaps the barest curve to his lips, his eyes softened a little, “That would be great.”

“Take a seat and I’ll grab us some,” she went back behind the counter to make their drinks. She needed to calm down. Her attraction to him left her feeling confused, and now she’d got over the first surge of relief at knowing he was alive, she felt nervous and awkward. She pocketed a couple of dog biscuits and took over their coffees. 

Ben looked awkward himself, though that was probably due to trying to fit his large frame into a small armchair.

Now she knew he was Ben, she found herself reappraising him, how on earth she had not recognised that scar was beyond her. His hair was still long, but not as long as it had been, and it shone like silk. He didn’t have the beard anymore, just a neat goatee and she was able to see his lips, they were full for a man and she had to look away as she wondered how they would feel if she kissed them. 

To distract herself, she broke the silence, “You look really well, it’s good to see you.” She almost facepalmed even as the words left her lips, she sounded like such a creep.

“Thanks,” his hand was on Tie’s head, nervously stroking it as his eyes darted around, settling anywhere but on her, “I err, that is to say… I’m not stalking you or anything, but I just wanted to say, well… to say thank you. You,” he swallowed, “Err, well that night last year? I think you saved my life.”

For a moment, Rey thought she was going to burst into tears, her eyes burned as her chest constricted. What did one say to such a statement?

She took a few careful breaths as she dug her nails into the palms of her hands, blinking her eyes as she got a handle on herself. “I… I don’t know what to say.” Despite her efforts there was a wobble in her voice.

He looked at her then, finally meeting her eyes, “You don’t have to stay anything, Rey. I just wanted to thank you… I went back to my family, I got a therapist, I’m improving, and I know I would probably still be on the streets, if it wasn’t for you.”

Rey hated crying, especially in public. She hadn’t done it since she was a teenager, but she couldn’t stop herself now. She was utterly overwhelmed. Seeing Ben and finding out he was okay and doing so well made her so unbearably happy, and his thanks, knowing she had helped him, affected her deeply.

He looked utterly bewildered by her reaction, “Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?” 

He sounded so anxious and Rey worried this may trigger him. She waved her hands at herself, gave him a little embarrassed laugh, “I’m fine, I’m just really happy you’re okay.” He still looked worried, so despite her how silly this made her sound, she told him, “I went back to the road you were on, and you were gone, I asked around and no one had seen you, and I was really afraid I’d left you in the cold to die.”

His worried expression eased, his face calming as a little colour painted his cheeks, “I’m sorry.”

Rey shook her head, “Don’t be, I am so happy I couldn’t find you if it means that you went back home.”

 

* * *

 

Ben swallowed. He felt awful for making Rey cry, there was panic crackling over his skin and he was breaking out in a sweat, but it eased a little as he realised they were happy tears, that he hadn’t done something wrong.

If he were a braver man, he would have got up and joined her on the sofa she sat on, drawing her into his arms, perhaps kissing her hair. But he wasn’t. At least, not yet, but maybe he could learn to be. He could learn for her.

Instead he took a sip of his coffee, noticing with surprise and not a little pleasure that she had made his prefered coffee, without even asking him what it was… that must mean she had noticed him before he’d spoken to her, could this mean she may like him? He felt nervous hope bloom in his chest. Perhaps his desires weren’t as far fetched as he had feared.

As she composed herself, he told her about what he had done that night, after she had left him. Told her of his homecoming, of his parents forgiveness and his progress as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months. A few times he had to pause, taking a sip of his coffee so he could will away the prickling in his own eyes.

Rey listened to him with rapt attention, eyes wet but a beautiful smile on her face. She really was beautiful, even with smudged mascara and a red nose. The green in her eyes stood out, as if the salt of her tears had intensified it.

Then her colleague called for her, the shop had filled up and there was a queue. The look of regret on Rey’s face lessened his disappointment. 

“Sorry I have to go, but,” she took out her notebook and a pen, scribbling down numbers, “Here’s my number, I know you’ve got your therapist, but if you ever need to talk to someone else,” she gave a little shrug, then smiled as he took it, “Thank you so much for finding me Ben, I can’t tell you how glad I am.” Then she gave him a little wave and dashed back behind the counter. 

Ben downed his coffee and left, needing to walk, to do something with this sudden energy. His was unsure what to do now. She had given him her number with the offer to talk, would it be wrong of him to use it to ask her out to dinner? Was he even ready for that? 

Even though she was pleased to see him, it didn’t mean she’d say yes to a date, he didn’t know if his fragile soul could take the rejection… and what if she said yes? Would he be able to go through with it, or would he have a panic attack and ruin it, or a heart attack and not turn up and then she’d think he’d stood her up.

Ben didn’t know how to handle all these new emotions. He was on dangerous ground. He and Tie walked down to the seafront, onto the beach so Ben could stand and look out at the sea, watching the waves as it hit the stones, breathing in the salty air as he let the noise calm him, as Tie ran around madly trying to catch seagulls.

As he watched the pale winter sun sparkle on the grey water,  he thought about what his therapist had said, about not placing the burden of his recovery on someone else. It would be hard, but he must not pin his future recovery and happiness on Rey, he couldn’t treat her like the light at the end of his tunnel, no matter how much he may wish she was.

 

Ben tried to concentrate on other things, ignoring his uncertainty with regards to Rey, hoping things would become clearer with distance. 

A week passed, then two, and he was still no closer to knowing what to do. One evening, as he sat with Han in front of a roaring fire, he finally decided to ask his father for advice.

Han was drinking whiskey, Ben was on water, as they sat in a comfortable silence with their dogs at their feet. Leia was out with a friend, and while Ben knew she’d be ecstatic over him thinking of dating, he wasn’t yet ready for her excitement, in case her expectations were dashed.

Eventually he cleared his throat, still staring at the fire as he spoke, “The girl, the one I talked to before I came home?” he swallowed awkwardly as he felt Han’s gaze turn to him, “I had coffee with her a few weeks ago…” he trailed off, unsure how to carry on.

“Did you now?” he could hear the smile in his father’s voice.

Ben swallowed again and re-crossed his legs, “She, err, gave me her number, said if I ever needed to talk…” again he trailed off, still looking at the fire.

“That was nice of her,” there was a studied neutrality to his father’s voice.

Ben nodded absently, “Would it be creepy… I mean, do you think it would be inappropriate... to ask her out for dinner?”   

Han cleared his throat, but Ben thought he had possibly been covering up a chuckle. “Well now, she did give you her number, so I don’t think it would be creepy. I don’t see how asking her to dinner would be inappropriate either, she may say no, and if she says yes, it may be just in a friendly sort of way, be led by her, Ben. If she says yes, go and see how the evening pans out… though,” here he paused, clearly choosing his words carefully, “If it does go well, are you ready for that? You’ve been doing so well, your mother and I are so proud of you, and it would be such a shame if anything were to set you back.”

Ben nodded, he had been wondering the same thing, but he knew he had to try this, if he didn’t, he was sure he would live to regret it. He finally looked at his father, he still found it difficult sometimes, the shame would wash over him as he remembered what he had done. But his father’s eyes were soft on him, hopeful, a small smile on his rugged face. “I think I need to give it a try… I don’t remember if I told you before, but she has P.T.S.D too, she understands.”

His father frowned, “She may understand, but that may make a relationship very difficult… do you know how bad hers is?”

Ben thought about her smile… about her flinching at the smashed mug, “I think she handles it, but other than that I’m not sure…” he decided against talking about Rey’s history, she had been kind enough to share it with him, but he felt that telling someone else would be betraying her trust. After all, her colleagues seemed completely unaware of it. It made him feel warm, that she had shared something so personal with him.

He took out his phone and stared at it for a while, “What should I say?” he asked eventually.

Han snorted, “Just say hello, ask if she’s well, then ask if she’d like to go to dinner. Give her a date, so she doesn’t think it’s a vague thing.”

Ben took a deep breath, then typed out a text message and with his heart in his mouth, pressed send.

 

* * *

 

Everyday Rey went to work, Jess would ask if Ben had got in touch. Rey was getting sick of it, because everytime she was reminded that he hadn’t. She tried to stay detached, telling herself that she didn’t mind - it wasn’t like she’d asked him out, and she didn’t  _ do _ relationships anyway, they just never worked out.  

Despite this, she very much wanted to know how he was doing. Seeing him had pretty much been the highlight of her year and she was afraid that like last year, she would only get to see him once. But it was enough, just to know he was alive and thriving, she could live with that. That’s what she told herself, anyway. 

She hadn’t told anyone but Finn and Poe about their meeting last year. When she rang Finn with the news that Ben had come to see her, he had been almost as excited as she was.

A week after, when she hadn’t heard from Ben, Finn and Poe invited her over for thai food and Netflix. 

As they settled down with their food and glasses of wine, Rey noticed them trading the meaningful glances that couples do when they are communicating without words. Eventually Finn sighed and nodded and they both turned to look at her, faces kind but firm.

“Peanut, has it occured to you, that you have feelings for this guy?” Finn asked gently.

Poe snorted into his wine, “Peanut, girl, you are head over heels.” Finn glared at him, but Poe carried on, “So, you should try and track him down.”

Rey looked away from them both, vainly hoping that their armchair would swallow her whole as she mumbled, “Don’t be daft, I’ve only met him twice.”

“That doesn’t mean anything, for some people it can just take two minutes, others it takes a lifetime. There is no reliable average when it comes to romance,” Finn said patiently. “You were a mess when you couldn’t find him again last year, and then when he reappeared, well, I’ve never seen you so happy, Peanut. You were radiant.”

“Of course I was! I’d thought he was dead!” tears prickled at her eyes at the memory, even now she knew he was safe.

“It was more than that and you know it,” Poe said firmly, “You’ve been alone too long, this guy sounds like he’s… well I don’t know, I haven’t met him, but he has obviously made an impression on you, and you’ve certainly done so for him… What did you say when you gave him your number?”  

“I gave him my number and said if he ever needed to talk to anyone...” she frowned as Poe groaned and Finn winced, “What?”

“Well, that basically means that you would only talk to him, like a sort of therapist,” Poe told her.

Rey’s throat constricted. She hadn’t meant it that way, not at all, she’d meant it as a friend, as a person who cared about him, who wanted to keep in touch. Guilt and misery welled up inside her and then panic as she thought about never seeing him again. 

As she started hyperventilating, Finn and Poe were there, taking away her food and wine, making her breathe into a paper bag as Poe stroked her back and Finn held her hand.

“Sorry sweet girl,” Poe said contritely, “Didn’t mean to hit you so hard and heavy with it.”

Rey concentrated on regulating her breath and the comforting feel of their hands. When she finally had her breathing under control, she wiped her face dry and said in a small voice, “Will you help me try and find him?”

Finn grinned, as Poe let out a small whoop, “We got you, Peanut. We’ll find him, don’t you worry.”

Rey felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders, but then frowned, “What if he isn’t single? What if he’s gay? I don’t really know anything about him!”

Poe chucked her under the chin. “How many times did he visit Tractor Bean before he spoke to you? I don’t think he is taken or gay, I could be wrong, but you’ll never know if you don’t put yourself out there. I know it's’ scary, but I know you are brave enough, and you’ll always have us.”

Rey nodded, thanking her lucky stars all over again for Finn and Poe, her family.

 

In the end, she didn’t track Ben down, he got in touch with her. It was via text, which in all honesty, she preferred, talking on phones made her nervous. And it was a good text.  

He asked her out for dinner. Her heart almost burst. After her excitement came the jitters and her fingers shook as she sent her reply, but she sent it, and the date was set.


	3. Chapter 3

Once again, Ben was nervous. This time, he didn’t have Tie with him and he felt terrified without his best friends calming presence. If he fucked this up he didn’t think he could ever forgive himself. As he waited outside the Tapas restaurant Rey had suggested, he kept having to wipe his palms on his jeans. He’d arrived thirty minutes early so he wouldn’t have to enter the restaurant on his own. Han had even offered him a whiskey to settle his nerves but he had declined - he’d sworn off drinking alcohol for the foreseeable future, it could mess with his meds and he’d relied on alcohol too much when he had been living rough.

When he saw Rey walking towards him, his felt his chest tighten painfully, his breath freezing in his lungs. She was also early, bundled up against the cold night air. She froze for a second when she saw him, as if surprised, then quickened her pace as if to make up for it.

Ben found his tongue unresponsive.

When she reached him, Rey gave him a shy smile, “Hi.”

He felt himself smile in response and some of the tension left his body, “Hi, err, shall we go in?”

She nodded and he held the door for her, as she passed him he caught a wisp of perfume, it smelled like sunshine and honey, warm, like Rey. He swallowed thickly and followed her inside.

As they were taken to their table, he was pleased to see that it the restaurant was quiet, he had picked a Tuesday night in the hopes of there being less people around.

When they were seated and the waiter had given them their menus, there was a slightly awkward silence. For his part, if was half due to the fact that when Rey had removed her coat and scarf, he saw she was wearing a dress.

It was dark red, of a simple design, nothing fancy or flashy and she’d teamed it with opaque black tights and slightly battered doc martens, her hair was loose and his fingers itched to tuck it behind her ears. She looked absolutely perfect.

Ben took a fortifying breath before venturing, “It’s nice to see you.”

She looked up from her menu, releasing the lip she had been biting, “You too… I’m glad you text.”

Ben nodded, before he could say anything else, the waiter arrived to take their drinks orders. When he disappeared again, Ben realised he had had no idea what to say, how to start conversation, his mind entirely blank. Luckily Rey spoke up, and they discussed the menu, deciding to get dishes to share. It turned out Rey had quite an adventurous appetite and Ben was happy to be led by her.

Their drinks arrived and they gave their order. After the waiter left again, Ben asked Rey what she would do for Christmas. The moment the words left his lips, he wished he could take them back as he remembered that she didn’t have a family. To his surprise, she smiled as she told him all about the traditions she had created with her best friends. As she talked she relaxed and he felt himself do the same as he forgot his worries and just enjoyed her company.

Their easy conversation continued after their food came, as they shared their dishes, encouraging the other to try something they wouldn’t normally eat.

Even in his wildest dreams, he had never thought he would be this comfortable. He felt safe with her, even if she made his palms sweat and his heart thump in his chest, this felt so right.

He didn’t order any pudding, just coffee, but Rey got a dark chocolate and brandy mousse. He liked watching her eat, her face was so expressive, and the noises she made over the mousse made him regret not ordering one himself.

As if she sensed his thoughts, Rey’s eyes opened, (they had been closed as she savoured each small spoonful). She gave him a small smile, then collected another spoon and leaned over, offering it to him.

That she offered something she was enjoying so much, as well as the fact it was offered on the spoon she had been using, made his breath hitch. He leaned forward carefully, for a second meeting her eyes as he took the spoon into his mouth. He could only manage a few seconds though, before he had to close his eyes.

When he opened them again, letting the spoon she still held slide from his mouth, she gave him a warm smile, her cheeks a little pink, “It’s sinfully good, isn’t it?” Ben could only nod as he licked his lips, “Would you like some more?”

He smiled as he shook his head, “I couldn’t possibly deprive you.”

A determined look entered her eyes and she scooped up another spoonful and held it out to him. Ben gently took the spoon from her but turned it around, offering it to her as she had done for him.

 

* * *

 

Somehow, despite her nerves, the evening was hands down the best date, (at least she thought it was a date), Rey had ever been on. Somehow she felt as if she had known Ben all her life. As though she had been expecting him, some part of her subconscious known that he would come, had waited for him, and recognised him when he finally arrived in her world.

The look on his face when she had taken off her coat had made her stomach flip. Finn and Poe had persuaded (coerced) her into wearing a dress. They had wanted her to wear something more ‘sexy’ but hadn’t found anything like that in her wardrobe when they ransacked it.  She had felt silly and self conscious in her simple wrap around dress and had insisted on wearing boots but Ben had looked at her like she was Aphrodite descended from the very Heavens. It had made her a little braver.

Ben wasn’t far off a greek god himself, and in his all black outfit of jeans and a shirt, he made her think a little of Hades. Though Rey was sure Hades had never had such soft, gentle eyes. They were eyes she could drown in, and she knew the warmth growing inside her wasn’t just from the small glass of wine she had had.

Poe and Finn had been very firm in their instructions to her. She was to have a good time, she was _not_ to second guess everything Ben said or did, and she was not, or under any circumstances, to beat herself up for saying something a little silly or doing something clumsy.

Some of it their commands were easier said than done, but it was good advice and she kept reminding herself of it as the evening progressed. The need for reminders grew less and less though as Ben made it easy to forget any awkwardness she felt.

Rey thought she could listen to him talk all night. His voice was beautiful, low and deep and it tugged at something below her navel, gave her little shivers that stippled goosebumps over her arms and the back of her neck.

She got bolder as the evening went on and by the time her pudding arrived she dared to offer him a taste of it. She watched, spellbound, as he leaned forwards and took the spoon into his mouth, closing his eyes and making a hum of approval.

When he refused more but turned the spoon around, her heart skipped and her pulse jumped in her throat. She took the spoon into her own mouth, very aware that it had just been in his. It was probably silly, but for her it may have been the most erotic thing she had ever done.

When she opened her eyes, which had drifted shut, she found him gazing at her intently, and she didn’t think anyone had looked at her like that before, as if he were mapping her face, capturing her very soul… Somehow it was like being seen for the first time, anyone else never having truly known her till now.

He kept the spoon and continued to feed her the rest of the mousse, by the time it was all gone her cheeks were pink and a hum was vibrating across her skin… and she was now certain that this was a date.

Ben insisted on paying the bill, and when she protested he pointed out with a soft smile that she bought dinner last year and now it was his turn. Rey had no comeback for that, so she acquiesced.

As they left the restaurant, bundled up again against the cold, she couldn’t help the feeling of regret washing over her at the prospect of saying goodbye.

“Would you like a walk? I know it’s cold but it’s a beautiful night.” She didn’t know where this courage was coming from, but she went with it, childishly crossing her fingers inside her coat pockets as they paused on the dark street.

Finn and Poe would be so proud of her.

Ben smiled down at her, again reminding her how tall he was, how broad. Something in the back of her mind told her she would never be afraid of anything when he was around. He made her feel safe.

“If you’re sure you are warm enough, I would love a walk,” he offered her his arm, a little hesitantly.

Rey took it immediately, remembering to uncross her fingers before she did.

He was warm, he radiated heat like a tiny black sun.

Rey had not been exaggerating when she had said it was a beautiful night. The sky was cloudless and the moon full, the stars looked like diamonds strewn across black velvet. There was little wind but it was still cold, the air was frigid in her lungs, especially when they reached the seafront.

But Rey couldn’t find it in her to care.

 

* * *

 

 

Ben was a little worried that Rey may get ill as they walked along the prom, looking out at the town lights reflected in the dark sea. But he was selfish and couldn’t bring himself to part with her yet. Her arm in his was welcome, he was a little breathless at her contiguity, but there was no way he wanted her to let go.

They walked in silence, but it was a comfortable one. She made it so easy to just exist in her presence, with no pressure to make small talk or say anything clever or flirtatious. Which was good for him because he didn’t know how to do any of those things.

They both paused naturally and looked out to sea, gazing at the silver pathway the moon cast on the water, drawing their eyes to the horizon and thence to heaven.

Finally he got the nerve up to ask her if he could see her again, “Rey, I-”

“Ben, would-”

They both stopped as they’d both spoken at the same time, Rey gave a little, slightly giddy laugh and gestured for him to continue, but he shook his head, “Ladies first.”

She did the cutest little eye roll he had ever seen, a smile tugging at her lips, “I was just going to ask, if perhaps, you may like to do this again?” her smile had lessened a little and she looked a trifle anxious, as if his answer were of great importance to her, as if he were someone special. He thought his heart may burst from his chest as he nodded emphatically, he couldn’t seem to stop himself, “Yes. I really, really would, thank you.” He winced at how desperate that had sounded, but Rey only huffed a relieved sounding laugh and he smiled back at her... _fortune favours the brave_... “I really like you Rey.”

For an awful moment, her eyes went wide and he thought she was going to cry, instead she let go of his arm and flung hers around him, going up on her tiptoes to press her lips against his.

Ben froze, shocked into stillness. When he didn’t respond she dropped back down onto her feet, a blush on her cheeks and doubt in her eyes.

He couldn’t have that, so he pulled her back to him, leaning down so he could capture her lips. It had been a very long time since he had kissed a girl, and he had never kissed one like Rey, but for once, his mettle held. It was a chaste kiss, just the meeting of lips with one hand cupping her cheek and the other pressed against her lower back, yet it was also everything.

When he pulled away, he kept hold of her, resting his forehead against hers as he made his confession, “I’ve wanted to do that since the moment I met you.”

“Really?” she sounded astonished, almost breathless.

He smiled, “Really.”

“I never stopped thinking about you,” she whispered, her voice sounding a little choked, “I looked for you, so many times and I was so afraid something awful had happened to you. And then like a miracle you turned up at Tractor Bean. I can’t tell you how happy you made me.”

He smiled, resisting the urge to wrap her in his arms, fairly sure that if he did, he would never, ever let go, instead he took a shaky breath in and said, “I’d like to continue, if you’ll let me, making you happy that is.”

Rey nodded jerkily, “I can’t think of anything I’d like more.”

Then she pulled him to her once more, this time, when their lips met, they were less restrained, and if their lips tasted of salt and their breathing was uneven, neither of them minded.

 

Some people may call them broken, others may label them as damaged goods, but with each other, none of that mattered and everything was perfect in their eyes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ♥
> 
> Songs in my head for this fic:
> 
> Wires by Athlete  
> Run for Cover by Sugababes  
> Dust to Dust by The Civil Wars  
> How to Save a Life by The Fray  
> Bring Me to Life by Evanescence  
> You Saved Me by Skunk Anansie  
> Light Me Up by Kobra and the Lotus  
> Head Over Feet by Alanis Morissette  
> Love Controlled Despair by Poisonblack  
> What I've Done and Castle Of Glass by Linkin Park
> 
> The title is taken from Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift feat. The Civil Wars


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